May wasn’t a good month for me. I was happy to have had a summer job while schooling, but this month alone, 2 people close to me passed away. I guess this is how life really is, “growing up” and moving on. Well, this sucks. Just a bit. And I’m not even done being a teenager yet.
This is the reason why being alone isn’t something I always like. It makes me think about deep things.
*I left after a bottle because I have low tolerance for beer. #badboy HAHA.
Passed by these peeps playing improvised baseball on an open field. Reminds me of how simple and easy it is to have fun, not needing to spend lots.
I can’t do it.
I can’t do anything properly.
I couldn’t confront the best friend I lost; I was too scared to actually realize and accept that they are, actually, gone. I didn’t want to hear it even though I had to, so I could finally clarify things and ease my mind. But I couldn’t. Every time I try to, I remember the pain I’ve felt after losing the closest people I’ve once had: my high school best friends, and my first girlfriend. The pain of losing them and having to accept that I couldn’t do anything about it just makes me feel worse.
To add to that, the anxiety attacks I’ve been having has eaten me up, to the point that it’s been harder for me to pretend I’m happy. At worst cases, I’d find myself teary-eyed in public, just like that time when I just broke up with my ex.
I’ve come to the realization that the major burden I’ve brought up to this day to my life was regret: the build-up of not tying loose ends and just letting things fade away, even though I didn’t want to.
I tried to make a move, but I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to chase again, like I did to my old friends. I am tired, but I do know I did want to chase. I wanted to fight for it, thinking that this time around It might’ve been worth it. But no matter how much I say, I just couldn’t. The pain and exhaustion already dragged me down to this point; I’m too tired to go on.
I also had the chance to talk to an old blockmate, who decided to drop some subjects because he was “too lazy”. He was, in a way, like me. Wearing a mask of being strong and enduring, calm and cool. But I do know that he wasn’t. I asked his close friend if he had any problems, and he in fact did. He was mad at the block, our block, for some reason concerning his relationship with his girlfriend, which somehow was put into jeopardy by something the block probably did. He was mad about it, and decided to detach from us.
I wanted to reach out, to tell him that I was there if he needed someone to talk to, because I know I would’ve wanted that if I was in his position. But in the end, I couldn’t. His mask was still on, unlike mine, and I decided to tell myself that it’d be stupid to tell him something like that. He was stronger than me, I thought. To tell him I was there for him would be ironic, considering that I was the one who needed someone to be there.
So now, here I am, again, back to being alone, but worse. I’ve made a move, like I’ve always told myself not to, and now I face consequences. Now I feel worse, which clearly wouldn’t help my studying routine for the upcoming exams.
I wonder when this will end.
Anonymous said: You can never be really ready. Never really perfect. And never know everything. From just one experience, one relationship, you feel like you've learned already and try so hard not to repeat mistakes, but not really. I'm not 'belittling' your experience with your past relationship believe me but I'm just saying, don't be too hard on yourself. Okay? There's always room for improvement, as they say. There's still room to learn more, to experience, to even have those mistakes again but it's okay.
Thank you for the heads up. :)
I have a stupid thought.
But it might not be as pointless as it sounds.
What if….this whole time…I’ve loved being pathetic?
Yes. What if I liked the feeling? Of suffering, of being hopeless, of crying, of feeling like shit about myself? It might sound ironic, but then, I think it’ll be close if I’d say I’m an emotional masochist.
I know it’s weird, but I can’t think of any other reason why this is happening to me.
And the source… Dunno. Maybe it’s the anime I kept on watching back in high school, and my subconscious preference for looking at the side characters who usually get rejected by the protagonists? Add to that the awful experience I had with my first relationship?
I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. At 19 years old, I could definitely say I still don’t understand something I’m currenty feeling.
I feel exhausted. For no specific reason. Or at least, for a reason I still can’t define up to now.
It’s like I’m going through a daily routine; I don’t feel excited about anything new. I’ve also started to smoke frequently, like once every 2 days (which is already “frequent” since I RARELY smoke), or maybe even once a day. I feel awfully drained, and it’s been a go-to quick fix. At least a temporary fix.
I’ve been watching Anime again. Feels nostalgic, really, considering that back in High School all I did was “waste time” watching in front of my computer for hours. It really pulls me down when I watch how the clown of the story gets rejected, though comically, by women. It feels so unfair that we, who try to make others feel lively and happy, get denied in the end, only to realize that the “quiet, reserved guy who’s kind to everybody” was chosen over us. It feels unfair; I feel this way yet I do know that it hasn’t happened to me….at least not yet.
I really don’t know why or when I’ve started feeling like this. Maybe it was when I started to see my best friends in the block be like the best friends I had back in HS: slowly drifting away, going to other “cooler” groups. I’m just glad that one of my closest friends is still there. I guess he’s what I could call someone who’s true to himself. Who he was when we formed the group, is still who he is now.
Then maybe the whole thing about my lovelife creeped up to me too. Maybe it’s the Anime. God, stupid Anime I couldn’t stop watching. I’m starting to feel like I don’t deserve my girlfriend, or rather, I just don’t deserve to be with anyone right now, considering how pathetic I am in my current state. She’s been missing some things, and I’ve been failing to meet her expectations. It scares me how low I’m getting. She’s the only one I open up to, but I’d rather not ask her to help me. After all, she’s part of why I’d want to fix myself. What’s worse than losing the only one you completely open up to, right?
My grades are awful, but then again, I’ve never cared much about them, so it’s fine with me. So I guess it isn’t a factor with what’s been happening.
My MPD’s been kicking in more frequently than usual. Maybe it’s because of the thoughts I’ve had
The dreams. The dreams too. The dream about my feet getting injured, which the internet says is a symbolism of me unable to move forward, and the zombies, which symbolizes being overwhelmed by stress and fear. At this rate, at least I could agree with myself that I AM having difficulties.
I’ve lost the drive to wear a mask though. I’m tired of showing people a “side” that doesn’t actually exist. I just go by, pretend I’m “getting sick” and that is why I’m gloomy, then leave. I rarely go with groups to eat, too. I’d rather be alone or be with a friend or two.
I don’t know where to begin, really. I don’t know where to go. I hope I start to, though, in the near future. This feels awful.
So tomorrow, my mom and I will go to the plant where our LPGs are being refilled. My mom received news that the driver for our business was stealing from us by filling up false values for the receipts we issue/receive, and we’ve confirmed that he isactually part of a syndicate.
Now, the question my mom had in mind was how could our driver steal from us even with those false information, when the plant issues checks that my mom will encash? The answer: inside man. That’s when my mom realized that it’s actually a syndicate of more than two people. So when she tried to talk to the daughter of the plant’s owner, my mom found out that the plant itself has been trying to investigate a certain case in which a big amount has been missing from them from the reports being done.
I’m excitedly nervous for tomorrow. I wonder what happens. Geez, it’s surprising what people can do to earn money; in this case, illegally. Hope no one gets hurt though.
I don’t understand, really, why I’m an awfully unlucky guy when it comes to relationships.
And by relationships, I mean with any person.
I lost my best friends during college, when we promised that it’s actually the only thing we wouldn’t allow to happen.
I lost my then-girlfriend, after being compared hundreds of times to her ex, and for a lot of awfully ironic reasons I could have as a boyfriend who was “madly in love in his first relationship”.
And now, this. Her.
I mean, seriously, what am I even doing wrong? WHAT AM I DOING THAT’S NOT RIGHT?
I thought that after learning SO MUCH from my first relationship, after feeling so much pain from the shit I experienced, I’d be ready. I’d be perfect. I’d know everything I’d have to know to be better for my partner. For her to want me, to not be ashamed of me, to be better than her ex, to not be compared, to not be the fourth one after God, family, and studies, and to just be someone liked for who I am.
I’m losing hope that I’d have a chance for making things better for me. Really. Just everything I do backfires into something worse.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Everything you love is here
Emoshit but true lol