Failed to reach out. || Feb 26, 2014

I can’t do it.

I can’t do anything properly.

I couldn’t confront the best friend I lost; I was too scared to actually realize and accept that they are, actually, gone. I didn’t want to hear it even though I had to, so I could finally clarify things and ease my mind. But I couldn’t. Every time I try to, I remember the pain I’ve felt after losing the closest people I’ve once had: my high school best friends, and my first girlfriend. The pain of losing them and having to accept that I couldn’t do anything about it just makes me feel worse.

To add to that, the anxiety attacks I’ve been having has eaten me up, to the point that it’s been harder for me to pretend I’m happy. At worst cases, I’d find myself teary-eyed in public, just like that time when I just broke up with my ex.

I’ve come to the realization that the major burden I’ve brought up to this day to my life was regret: the build-up of not tying loose ends and just letting things fade away, even though I didn’t want to.

I tried to make a move, but I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to chase again, like I did to my old friends. I am tired, but I do know I did want to chase. I wanted to fight for it, thinking that this time around It might’ve been worth it. But no matter how much I say, I just couldn’t. The pain and exhaustion already dragged me down to this point; I’m too tired to go on.

I also had the chance to talk to an old blockmate, who decided to drop some subjects because he was “too lazy”. He was, in a way, like me. Wearing a mask of being strong and enduring, calm and cool. But I do know that he wasn’t. I asked his close friend if he had any problems, and he in fact did. He was mad at the block, our block, for some reason concerning his relationship with his girlfriend, which somehow was put into jeopardy by something the block probably did. He was mad about it, and decided to detach from us.

I wanted to reach out, to tell him that I was there if he needed someone to talk to, because I know I would’ve wanted that if I was in his position. But in the end, I couldn’t. His mask was still on, unlike mine, and I decided to tell myself that it’d be stupid to tell him something like that. He was stronger than me, I thought. To tell him I was there for him would be ironic, considering that I was the one who needed someone to be there.

So now, here I am, again, back to being alone, but worse. I’ve made a move, like I’ve always told myself not to, and now I face consequences. Now I feel worse, which clearly wouldn’t help my studying routine for the upcoming exams.

I wonder when this will end.

Clingy friend.

I’m an awfully clingy friend and it’s pretty obvious.

I know I’ve blogged about this a couple of times, but I’d like to specifically think about how I look at my clingy-ness (wait does that word exist?).

Well, I do always try to get with people. When I notice that the people I care about are starting to distance themselves, I try to take action and reach out to them. I’m almost always the one to ask people if we could go out and catch up, and I end up hoping that they’d do the same.

It’s been my “measurement” of if-they-care-or-not-for-me-the-way-I-do-for-them. If they invite me back next time, guess that means we do show effort to have some time for each other.

It’s pretty cheesy and dramatic, really, but it does make sense for me. Only now that I’ve grown up and have matured even just a bit, I learned to do some adjustments and have changed for the better.

Alpha. || A father character.

The Alpha of the group.

That’s who my father is.

Sure, it’s supposed to be “normal”, being the head and all. But the more I think about it, the more I can relate it to a wolf pack.

The Alpha who gets what he wants. The Alpha whose orders are followed. The ones who try to defy him get this scary growl that leaves you squealing silently and backing down, making you return to where you left off.

There’s only progress when you’re on your own. The Alpha provides for the family, and gives freedom to the pack. But once he sets his eyes on something he wants, the pack stops what they’re doing and follows his command. Again, the ones who try to defy will only find theirselves whincing and fleeting back.

The Alpha doesn’t ask for your answer. They merely tell you what will happen, and how sorry they will be if you don’t get what you want. There is no progress or freedom, as long as the Alpha’s in place.

Maybe this is how teenagers feel when their fathers are like mine; the whole follow-the-Alpha mentality gets to them, and makes them grow up to be like one.

Being Alpha is good, yes, but I hope the future me remembers how to be open and approachable as a father, while still being successful in supporting my “pack”.

How Much I Value Friendship.

It’s funny how both my parents questioned my value for the friendship I’ve had with a group of people I once treated like siblings of my own.

After I’ve explained everything to them, they tried to contradict me. Of course, it was understandable. If I was in their position, and I knew that my son did have good times with his old friends back then, I’d tell him he’s wrong.

But I knew I wasn’t. I’ve tried enough to tell myself NOW that I’m done, that it’s perfectly reasonable for me to care less and be more passive about it. They said it themselves, “we’re old”.

It’s about time we got over the small things, and I’m not saying this in a bitter way. I’m saying this in a realistic way, because this is almost the same way how I swallowed my pride when I tried all I could to reach out to them and have some of their time.

I wouldn’t blame my parents for looking at me like it’s easy for me to “throw away” the relationship. It’s simply because they don’t know the depth of the story (not to mention how complicated my thoughts get when I feel emotional and sensitive).

But know what I’m doing. It’s about goddamn time I knew, anyways.

Tired.

Another one of those random days that I’ve felt tired.

Really, I don’t even know why.

On a random note, I think money has become the “center” of my life so far. I’ve been obsessed (as I’ve posted on other texts) with so many things that I want to do/have, that I’ve been trying REALLY hard to save up for them. I’m also glad my investments have grown a LOT, and that’s a good thing for me as well.

Soooo tiiiiiired. Is this what it’s like when we’re feeling older?

Age?

So this is why people rarely have time for stuff like… well, blogging.

It’s not age. It’s the matter of how busy people are. I, for one, have been busy with my routine of work then gym, or work then play, that I barely have time to blog (or even fix my iTunes playlists, dammit).

I’m growing older day by day, but I do hope I still remember to fix my shit from time to time. I hope I can still blog, so when I grow old, I’d have more to reminisce about.

My past and how it affected my lifestyle now.

I’ve realized how busy I’ve been the past few months.

One way to look at it is how ”successful” I’ve been, since this IS what I wanted. I wanted to be busy because I wanted to stop being the guy who couldn’t move on; the one who always waited for his high school friends to have time for him so we could all go out and have fun. If this was American Pie, I’d be Stifler: the guy who never matured with the way he thinks.

So here I’ve been, making the most of my time, not wasting a single hour. Now that I’m here, though, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been doing this to run away. To run away from all the things I’ve been expecting for YEARS to happen even though I’ve always known the chance was low.

Sure, I got tired of waiting for them. In fact, it’s not even something I deny anymore. It’s something I’ve accepted, which for me is good, since now I don’t have any internal contradiction to deal with. However, I think I’ve cornered myself to having not much free time now.

Not much time for my girlfriend, for my family, or for my friends.

The gym. I started going to the gym ever since I broke up with my first girlfriend. Of course, being the immature and insecure guy I was, I thought that MAYBE a reason why the break-up happened was because of my physical appearance, so I dealt with it.

Dance class. I didn’t want to miss dancing, and I didn’t want to “lose my moves”, so I signed up for dance classes. I knew it was gonna take up my time, but I wanted it. Dancing has been one way of how I’ve managed to express how I feel about my life. Cheesy but true.

OJT. I actually felt nice that I had OJT this year. Besides gym and my dance class, I didn’t know how to make much of my time productive.

I currently don’t know how to deal with all this I’ve put myself into. But I’ll find a way. I have to.

Financials || Materialism.

I’ve been experiencing financial problems for a while now. And no, not with necessities because I know for a fact that my parents do not fail in giving my needs; in fact, they’ve pretty much spoiled me and my siblings with how we’ve been raised.

I’m talking about my wants, my commitments, and my financial management. It does sound a bit ironic, how I’m having problems in something I major in now that I’m in college, but it’s true. Call me materialistic, but I just want to pressure MYSELF to properly manage my money so I could get the things I want without asking my parents for too much again and again.

But what I’ve noticed the past few weeks is how less I’ve asked from my parents. TAKING less is different, where they give me a certain amount of money and I insist that they give less. What I’m talking about is when I’m the one asking for an amount. I’ve just been wondering, is it because I’m more embarrassed now, or is it because I’m too “proud” and I want to show them how successful I’ve been in managing my money?

Is it because I’ve grown up, and I know that some of my interests are things that they wouldn’t really support, so I don’t even bother trying?

I wonder when I’ll get the answers to my questions. Wow, so it’s true that growing up IS hard.

Grown-Up Society.

Today I had a glimpse of what it feels to be an adult.

And by adult, I mean the working-class average-and-not-spoiled kind of adult.

That scene I always see in movies where they wake up because of the alarm clock and they panic and shit? That happened to me today.

I went to the MRT Station, and surprisingly the line was LONG that it reached the stairs. And there I was thinking that there wasn’t supposed to be too many passengers since it was already 8-ish. The cramped MRT station, the busy train, people ignoring each other just minding their own shit. Listening to songs on my iPod didn’t even help me to relax, because the train was so full that some people were actually shoving each other for stupid reasons..like “just don’t want to properly ask them to move”.

Walking to where the company shuttle is, fixing my tie, thinking about “salary”. This is probably how it feels to be an adult. Maybe it’s just a glimpse, that’s true, but I didn’t think it would be this… busy. I thought the adult life was about easy jobs and earning money and spending them on the basic things you need and the expensive things you want. I was obviously wrong.

I’d know more about this next time, obviously.

Work or School.

Back when I was in High School, there was this small issue in the family about my sister (oldest) who sadly didn’t finish her Law degree because she chose to work instead.

Some say that she probably already enjoyed the feeling of earning money by working, and she lost her focus on studying this way. I personally thought that that was a bit too shallow for a reason. But now that I’m in 3rd year college and on my way to nearly getting a job in the future, I think I understand how it feels.

It’s not “greed”, to be very direct with you. It’s the excitement you get from being on a new and higher lever of society. You’re now working, which means people pay you what you deserve for doing something for them. 18 years of my life that has rarely happened to me, so it’s pretty reasonable to excite someone like me.

I personally felt like an adult already. Being on my business attire, speaking in formality, shaking hands and all that… it makes me feel like I’m changing positively. As if then and there I’m growing up as someone with a whole new set of potential skills to have.

Of course, it’s my decision now to stay where I am and focus on getting a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree, or I could just try to get a job and start my career this early.

Well, at least now I know how it feels.