Another one of those random days that I’ve felt tired.

Really, I don’t even know why.

On a random note, I think money has become the “center” of my life so far. I’ve been obsessed (as I’ve posted on other texts) with so many things that I want to do/have, that I’ve been trying REALLY hard to save up for them. I’m also glad my investments have grown a LOT, and that’s a good thing for me as well.

Soooo tiiiiiired. Is this what it’s like when we’re feeling older?

So this is why people rarely have time for stuff like… well, blogging.

It’s not age. It’s the matter of how busy people are. I, for one, have been busy with my routine of work then gym, or work then play, that I barely have time to blog (or even fix my iTunes playlists, dammit).

I’m growing older day by day, but I do hope I still remember to fix my shit from time to time. I hope I can still blog, so when I grow old, I’d have more to reminisce about.

I’ve realized how busy I’ve been the past few months.

One way to look at it is how ”successful” I’ve been, since this IS what I wanted. I wanted to be busy because I wanted to stop being the guy who couldn’t move on; the one who always waited for his high school friends to have time for him so we could all go out and have fun. If this was American Pie, I’d be Stifler: the guy who never matured with the way he thinks.

So here I’ve been, making the most of my time, not wasting a single hour. Now that I’m here, though, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been doing this to run away. To run away from all the things I’ve been expecting for YEARS to happen even though I’ve always known the chance was low.

Sure, I got tired of waiting for them. In fact, it’s not even something I deny anymore. It’s something I’ve accepted, which for me is good, since now I don’t have any internal contradiction to deal with. However, I think I’ve cornered myself to having not much free time now.

Not much time for my girlfriend, for my family, or for my friends.

The gym. I started going to the gym ever since I broke up with my first girlfriend. Of course, being the immature and insecure guy I was, I thought that MAYBE a reason why the break-up happened was because of my physical appearance, so I dealt with it.

Dance class. I didn’t want to miss dancing, and I didn’t want to “lose my moves”, so I signed up for dance classes. I knew it was gonna take up my time, but I wanted it. Dancing has been one way of how I’ve managed to express how I feel about my life. Cheesy but true.

OJT. I actually felt nice that I had OJT this year. Besides gym and my dance class, I didn’t know how to make much of my time productive.

I currently don’t know how to deal with all this I’ve put myself into. But I’ll find a way. I have to.

I’ve been experiencing financial problems for a while now. And no, not with necessities because I know for a fact that my parents do not fail in giving my needs; in fact, they’ve pretty much spoiled me and my siblings with how we’ve been raised.

I’m talking about my wants, my commitments, and my financial management. It does sound a bit ironic, how I’m having problems in something I major in now that I’m in college, but it’s true. Call me materialistic, but I just want to pressure MYSELF to properly manage my money so I could get the things I want without asking my parents for too much again and again.

But what I’ve noticed the past few weeks is how less I’ve asked from my parents. TAKING less is different, where they give me a certain amount of money and I insist that they give less. What I’m talking about is when I’m the one asking for an amount. I’ve just been wondering, is it because I’m more embarrassed now, or is it because I’m too “proud” and I want to show them how successful I’ve been in managing my money?

Is it because I’ve grown up, and I know that some of my interests are things that they wouldn’t really support, so I don’t even bother trying?

I wonder when I’ll get the answers to my questions. Wow, so it’s true that growing up IS hard.

Today I had a glimpse of what it feels to be an adult.

And by adult, I mean the working-class average-and-not-spoiled kind of adult.

That scene I always see in movies where they wake up because of the alarm clock and they panic and shit? That happened to me today.

I went to the MRT Station, and surprisingly the line was LONG that it reached the stairs. And there I was thinking that there wasn’t supposed to be too many passengers since it was already 8-ish. The cramped MRT station, the busy train, people ignoring each other just minding their own shit. Listening to songs on my iPod didn’t even help me to relax, because the train was so full that some people were actually shoving each other for stupid reasons..like “just don’t want to properly ask them to move”.

Walking to where the company shuttle is, fixing my tie, thinking about “salary”. This is probably how it feels to be an adult. Maybe it’s just a glimpse, that’s true, but I didn’t think it would be this… busy. I thought the adult life was about easy jobs and earning money and spending them on the basic things you need and the expensive things you want. I was obviously wrong.

I’d know more about this next time, obviously.

Back when I was in High School, there was this small issue in the family about my sister (oldest) who sadly didn’t finish her Law degree because she chose to work instead.

Some say that she probably already enjoyed the feeling of earning money by working, and she lost her focus on studying this way. I personally thought that that was a bit too shallow for a reason. But now that I’m in 3rd year college and on my way to nearly getting a job in the future, I think I understand how it feels.

It’s not “greed”, to be very direct with you. It’s the excitement you get from being on a new and higher lever of society. You’re now working, which means people pay you what you deserve for doing something for them. 18 years of my life that has rarely happened to me, so it’s pretty reasonable to excite someone like me.

I personally felt like an adult already. Being on my business attire, speaking in formality, shaking hands and all that… it makes me feel like I’m changing positively. As if then and there I’m growing up as someone with a whole new set of potential skills to have.

Of course, it’s my decision now to stay where I am and focus on getting a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree, or I could just try to get a job and start my career this early.

Well, at least now I know how it feels.

So today, I went to my first ever OJT interview. I was with my classmate, Leonard.

The start was awful. Thinking I was going to meet Leonard by 8:30 at Ayala Ave (MRT), I reached the North Ave Station by 7:40 and I thought I still had plenty of time. But by the time I got to the station, the line was long as hell. It was hard to buy a ticket, to wait for a train, and to ride the train because undisciplined people kept on sneaking in the line (and yeah I tried to bump some of them since I was pissed as fuck). At least I ended up getting a seat all the way from North Ave to Ayala though.

Reached our meeting place by 9 AM, and we went to Dusit Thani to ask where the shuttle to the company was. The MMDA guy told us to go up the MRT station (which is where we came from). Then when we got there, the security guard told us to go near Dusit Thani (WHERE WE CAME FROM). Good thing I asked the security guard if there was a way near the MRT station, and there was.

So we got to the shuttle service, got a free ride to the building, and arrived at the office by 9:50-ish….which meant we were late since we were supposed to be there by 9:30.

But anyways, we got separated from the rest and had our own exam (we’re cool that way I know). Afterwards, we had the initial interview WHICH I SURPRISINGLY LIKED BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE ANY BRAIN FART AT ALL.  The HR told us that we’d be contacted for the next interview by this weekend or early next week. Funnily enough, she already called us when we were just at the shuttle service going back to the Ayala Ave MRT Station.

After going down the shuttle service and thanking the driver, we suddenly felt like fucking bosses for no logical reason… maybe just because the initial interview and the exam is done, and we had a free shuttle service.

We rode the MRT to Taft, transferred to the LRT1, went down to Tayuman and rode a jeep back to UST. All for an activity we had to pass (but hey, we were desperate since I was am bound to fail that subject.)

It was a fun day. Tiring, but fun. Awwyisss.

After months of training and practice, we finally got to perform yesterday. Sadly, we lost. Lots of performers cried, really. Some cried because they won, and some cried because they lost.

I, well, I shed a tear or two not because of the “losing” part, but because of how disappointed I am with myself. It was supposed to be my “proof” to my parents that I could balance normal (yes, just average, because it isn’t really easy to excel with my major) grades and still win a dance competition.

I knew I was going home empty-handed, so I was pretty embarrassed with the thought of going home once they’d ask me what the results were.

But instead, I learned something. Well, actually, I realized something.

I realized how much I’ve grown. Going back to my first year in College, with my first girlfriend and our fights about me, and my time for her, and her time for me, and all the commitments to other stuff that took our time away from each other. That was the year I started to join dance crews and competitions. I only aimed to perform, frankly, and I never thought I’d join university-wide competitions.

Then my second year in College, where I danced mostly to express whatever I’ve felt about the heartbreak (cheesy and emo, I know, but I already tried to choose my words there), my problems with family and grades, and with my friends.

Now I’m here. Back to my routine of sleeping late, missing some homeworks and not having enough time to study for quizzes. I’m thankful to be here. And most of it’s because of my parents who trust me and my ability to balance things out, who of course gives me the allowance to be able to do stuff like this. Some parents fight about their kids about dancing and the likes being a “waste of time”, but they supported me throughout. I’ve changed, and it’s not easy to say how, but all I’m sure of is that as a person, I’ve changed.

Kanina, habang nakasakay ako sa jeep pauwi, nagkaron ng away.

Sa una, sigawan. May tinatawag na bastos yung isang lalake, pinapababa nya ng jeep yung sinisigawan nya. Konting dagdag sa away, konting dagdag sa lakas ng sigaw.

Pangalawa, may suntok na binato yung nanigaw. Sa una, iisipin mong kupal yung nanapak. Bayolente. Walang modo. Pala-away. Siraulo. Madami kang maiisip, pero malamang makakaramdam ka ng takot. Ako, syempre, unang naisip ko, “pucha nagsasapakan na sila”.

Napahinto yung jeep, sumigaw yung driver, umupo yung nagbato ng unang suntok sa mukha. Kung andon ka manlalaki mata mo sa pagka-solido nung suntok. Isipin mo nakasandal ka na nga, nadiin pa yung mukha mo sa pader pagkatapos kang suntukin. Ganon ka-solid.

Pangatlo, pinipigil na yung nanapak pagtapos nyang magbato ng 3 or 4 pang suntok. Tinawag na lasing yung sinuntok nya, at pinapababa uli ng jeep. Sa una ayaw nung sinisigawan, pero ‘di naman siya pumapalag.

Pagkatapos ng ilang sigundo ng tensyon sa jeep, tinulak palabas nung nanuntok yung lasing. Nalaglag yung lasing sa jeep, hindi nakababa ng maayos. Pag tingin ko sa labas, naka-upo lang siya don. Nahihilo pa rin, hindi ko alam kung dahil lasing siya o dahil hilo sa mga suntok na nakuha ng mukha nya.

Kaya pala nagkaron ng away, nanghihipo yung lasing sa babaeng katabi nya. Di ko naiwasang mapansin, may itsura naman yung babae, siguro kaya naisipang mang-gago nung lasing.

Di ko napansin na nagpasalamat yung babae sa lalake, kahit pagbaba naming tatlo ng jeep.

Naisip ko, pano kung ako yung nakakita ng ganon? Aabot ba ako sa puntang mananapak ako? O kahit papano man lang, pano ako aakto sa ganon pag ako nakakita? Sigurado ako, may gagawin ako. Hindi ako tanga para bastang pabayaan ang babae kung binabastos siya ng ganon. Hindi ko nga lang talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko para huminto yung lalake.

Siguro, sisigawan ko muna ng sobra. Pag nag-angas, bahala na.

Napa-isip rin tuloy ako kung gano kadalas nangyayari yung ganon sa mga jeep, bus, FX, o kahit anong pwede sakyan pam-byahe. Pero ang mas magandang tanong, kung ilang Pilipino nga ba ang makikialam kung may nakita silang ganon. Oo, specifically, Pilipino yung tinatanong ko. Kitang kita na kasi sa’tin madalas yung “kung wala akong kinalaman dyan, ‘di ako makiki-alam” na mentality.

Nakakatakot isipin, pero minsan parang kahit ibang tao sa paligid mo, ‘di madaling gawing kakampi no?

A lot can happen from childhood to college.

Yes, it’s another “obvious” statement, but it’s something that we don’t learn until we actually reach our growth throughout the years.

When I was in Grade School, I was like the 11th man of the Basketball team… and by that I mean the guy who rarely gets play time, but pays for the jersey thinking I would actually use it a lot. Yes, there was even a time I nearly cried because I didn’t get the chance to play.

I was a kid who appreciated everything that happened before the game, I couldn’t help but get so affected. I woke up early. My mom helped me fix my stuff. I brought water and all. I went to the game early so I could practice before the game. All that just to be disappointed that the “enemy was too good for me to have some play time”. It was heartbreaking, really, and I hated it because I wanted to play so I could impress my mom.

Fast forward to now. College.
Thinking about the things that has happened to me, I guess I decided to do things so I would be able to “defeat” my inner childhood loser. I went to the gym, I got better at dancing, I started Football and Badminton, and got a teeny bit better in Basketball; at least good enough to be on the Basketball team of the class, and this time, as part of the Starting 5. I’ve become one of the tallest, so it has been a helpful thing to me and my team.

It’s hard to believe that I’m now here, and this is who I am now. But hey, it did happen. I guess my point is, if a kid goes to read this post, I hope he understands that our lives change DRASTICALLY while we grow up, and we don’t get stuck at one stage of life unless we just sit there and let it happen. It’s your life, and no matter how young you are and how dependent you are to other people, there are still some choices that you have to make by yourselves, and those choices together with your thoughts will define who and what you will be when you grow up.