It’s funny how both my parents questioned my value for the friendship I’ve had with a group of people I once treated like siblings of my own.

After I’ve explained everything to them, they tried to contradict me. Of course, it was understandable. If I was in their position, and I knew that my son did have good times with his old friends back then, I’d tell him he’s wrong.

But I knew I wasn’t. I’ve tried enough to tell myself NOW that I’m done, that it’s perfectly reasonable for me to care less and be more passive about it. They said it themselves, “we’re old”.

It’s about time we got over the small things, and I’m not saying this in a bitter way. I’m saying this in a realistic way, because this is almost the same way how I swallowed my pride when I tried all I could to reach out to them and have some of their time.

I wouldn’t blame my parents for looking at me like it’s easy for me to “throw away” the relationship. It’s simply because they don’t know the depth of the story (not to mention how complicated my thoughts get when I feel emotional and sensitive).

But I know what I’m doing. It’s about goddamn time I knew, anyways.

I’m tired and drained. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. My eyes are closing and I’m barely awake enough to type my thoughts down, but I want to. It’s more appropriate to say “I want to” rather than “I can”.

I’ve done nothing but feel like I’ve disappoint people today. Two of the closest people I’ve known indirectly told me how inappropriate it was for me to treat someone like the way I did. I was “wrong”, and there was nothing else I could do. It was a stupid mistake.

But I had no choice, really. I was stuck in a dilemma and I did what I HAD to do because it was the only choice left.

I’m tired.

Awfully tired.

And the worst part is I’m back to Step 1 with no one to talk to. No “brothers”, no “best friends”, nobody to listen to me rant and shit.

I seriously need to fix my life up.

Another one of those random days that I’ve felt tired.

Really, I don’t even know why.

On a random note, I think money has become the “center” of my life so far. I’ve been obsessed (as I’ve posted on other texts) with so many things that I want to do/have, that I’ve been trying REALLY hard to save up for them. I’m also glad my investments have grown a LOT, and that’s a good thing for me as well.

Soooo tiiiiiired. Is this what it’s like when we’re feeling older?

I’ve realized how busy I’ve been the past few months.

One way to look at it is how ”successful” I’ve been, since this IS what I wanted. I wanted to be busy because I wanted to stop being the guy who couldn’t move on; the one who always waited for his high school friends to have time for him so we could all go out and have fun. If this was American Pie, I’d be Stifler: the guy who never matured with the way he thinks.

So here I’ve been, making the most of my time, not wasting a single hour. Now that I’m here, though, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been doing this to run away. To run away from all the things I’ve been expecting for YEARS to happen even though I’ve always known the chance was low.

Sure, I got tired of waiting for them. In fact, it’s not even something I deny anymore. It’s something I’ve accepted, which for me is good, since now I don’t have any internal contradiction to deal with. However, I think I’ve cornered myself to having not much free time now.

Not much time for my girlfriend, for my family, or for my friends.

The gym. I started going to the gym ever since I broke up with my first girlfriend. Of course, being the immature and insecure guy I was, I thought that MAYBE a reason why the break-up happened was because of my physical appearance, so I dealt with it.

Dance class. I didn’t want to miss dancing, and I didn’t want to “lose my moves”, so I signed up for dance classes. I knew it was gonna take up my time, but I wanted it. Dancing has been one way of how I’ve managed to express how I feel about my life. Cheesy but true.

OJT. I actually felt nice that I had OJT this year. Besides gym and my dance class, I didn’t know how to make much of my time productive.

I currently don’t know how to deal with all this I’ve put myself into. But I’ll find a way. I have to.

I’ve been experiencing financial problems for a while now. And no, not with necessities because I know for a fact that my parents do not fail in giving my needs; in fact, they’ve pretty much spoiled me and my siblings with how we’ve been raised.

I’m talking about my wants, my commitments, and my financial management. It does sound a bit ironic, how I’m having problems in something I major in now that I’m in college, but it’s true. Call me materialistic, but I just want to pressure MYSELF to properly manage my money so I could get the things I want without asking my parents for too much again and again.

But what I’ve noticed the past few weeks is how less I’ve asked from my parents. TAKING less is different, where they give me a certain amount of money and I insist that they give less. What I’m talking about is when I’m the one asking for an amount. I’ve just been wondering, is it because I’m more embarrassed now, or is it because I’m too “proud” and I want to show them how successful I’ve been in managing my money?

Is it because I’ve grown up, and I know that some of my interests are things that they wouldn’t really support, so I don’t even bother trying?

I wonder when I’ll get the answers to my questions. Wow, so it’s true that growing up IS hard.

Today I had a glimpse of what it feels to be an adult.

And by adult, I mean the working-class average-and-not-spoiled kind of adult.

That scene I always see in movies where they wake up because of the alarm clock and they panic and shit? That happened to me today.

I went to the MRT Station, and surprisingly the line was LONG that it reached the stairs. And there I was thinking that there wasn’t supposed to be too many passengers since it was already 8-ish. The cramped MRT station, the busy train, people ignoring each other just minding their own shit. Listening to songs on my iPod didn’t even help me to relax, because the train was so full that some people were actually shoving each other for stupid reasons..like “just don’t want to properly ask them to move”.

Walking to where the company shuttle is, fixing my tie, thinking about “salary”. This is probably how it feels to be an adult. Maybe it’s just a glimpse, that’s true, but I didn’t think it would be this… busy. I thought the adult life was about easy jobs and earning money and spending them on the basic things you need and the expensive things you want. I was obviously wrong.

I’d know more about this next time, obviously.

stinkfart:

devoureth:

Gentlemen and women, take note. [x]

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Back when I was in High School, there was this small issue in the family about my sister (oldest) who sadly didn’t finish her Law degree because she chose to work instead.

Some say that she probably already enjoyed the feeling of earning money by working, and she lost her focus on studying this way. I personally thought that that was a bit too shallow for a reason. But now that I’m in 3rd year college and on my way to nearly getting a job in the future, I think I understand how it feels.

It’s not “greed”, to be very direct with you. It’s the excitement you get from being on a new and higher lever of society. You’re now working, which means people pay you what you deserve for doing something for them. 18 years of my life that has rarely happened to me, so it’s pretty reasonable to excite someone like me.

I personally felt like an adult already. Being on my business attire, speaking in formality, shaking hands and all that… it makes me feel like I’m changing positively. As if then and there I’m growing up as someone with a whole new set of potential skills to have.

Of course, it’s my decision now to stay where I am and focus on getting a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree, or I could just try to get a job and start my career this early.

Well, at least now I know how it feels.

So today, I went to my first ever OJT interview. I was with my classmate, Leonard.

The start was awful. Thinking I was going to meet Leonard by 8:30 at Ayala Ave (MRT), I reached the North Ave Station by 7:40 and I thought I still had plenty of time. But by the time I got to the station, the line was long as hell. It was hard to buy a ticket, to wait for a train, and to ride the train because undisciplined people kept on sneaking in the line (and yeah I tried to bump some of them since I was pissed as fuck). At least I ended up getting a seat all the way from North Ave to Ayala though.

Reached our meeting place by 9 AM, and we went to Dusit Thani to ask where the shuttle to the company was. The MMDA guy told us to go up the MRT station (which is where we came from). Then when we got there, the security guard told us to go near Dusit Thani (WHERE WE CAME FROM). Good thing I asked the security guard if there was a way near the MRT station, and there was.

So we got to the shuttle service, got a free ride to the building, and arrived at the office by 9:50-ish….which meant we were late since we were supposed to be there by 9:30.

But anyways, we got separated from the rest and had our own exam (we’re cool that way I know). Afterwards, we had the initial interview WHICH I SURPRISINGLY LIKED BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE ANY BRAIN FART AT ALL.  The HR told us that we’d be contacted for the next interview by this weekend or early next week. Funnily enough, she already called us when we were just at the shuttle service going back to the Ayala Ave MRT Station.

After going down the shuttle service and thanking the driver, we suddenly felt like fucking bosses for no logical reason… maybe just because the initial interview and the exam is done, and we had a free shuttle service.

We rode the MRT to Taft, transferred to the LRT1, went down to Tayuman and rode a jeep back to UST. All for an activity we had to pass (but hey, we were desperate since I was am bound to fail that subject.)

It was a fun day. Tiring, but fun. Awwyisss.

Well, I’ve decided to put my randomly serious blogs to wordpress, seeing as how “unorganized” it looks because of all the things I reblog on Tumblr. But meh, I dunno. I probably won’t be able to use all this. “Bahala na.”