Failed to reach out. || Feb 26, 2014

I can’t do it.

I can’t do anything properly.

I couldn’t confront the best friend I lost; I was too scared to actually realize and accept that they are, actually, gone. I didn’t want to hear it even though I had to, so I could finally clarify things and ease my mind. But I couldn’t. Every time I try to, I remember the pain I’ve felt after losing the closest people I’ve once had: my high school best friends, and my first girlfriend. The pain of losing them and having to accept that I couldn’t do anything about it just makes me feel worse.

To add to that, the anxiety attacks I’ve been having has eaten me up, to the point that it’s been harder for me to pretend I’m happy. At worst cases, I’d find myself teary-eyed in public, just like that time when I just broke up with my ex.

I’ve come to the realization that the major burden I’ve brought up to this day to my life was regret: the build-up of not tying loose ends and just letting things fade away, even though I didn’t want to.

I tried to make a move, but I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to chase again, like I did to my old friends. I am tired, but I do know I did want to chase. I wanted to fight for it, thinking that this time around It might’ve been worth it. But no matter how much I say, I just couldn’t. The pain and exhaustion already dragged me down to this point; I’m too tired to go on.

I also had the chance to talk to an old blockmate, who decided to drop some subjects because he was “too lazy”. He was, in a way, like me. Wearing a mask of being strong and enduring, calm and cool. But I do know that he wasn’t. I asked his close friend if he had any problems, and he in fact did. He was mad at the block, our block, for some reason concerning his relationship with his girlfriend, which somehow was put into jeopardy by something the block probably did. He was mad about it, and decided to detach from us.

I wanted to reach out, to tell him that I was there if he needed someone to talk to, because I know I would’ve wanted that if I was in his position. But in the end, I couldn’t. His mask was still on, unlike mine, and I decided to tell myself that it’d be stupid to tell him something like that. He was stronger than me, I thought. To tell him I was there for him would be ironic, considering that I was the one who needed someone to be there.

So now, here I am, again, back to being alone, but worse. I’ve made a move, like I’ve always told myself not to, and now I face consequences. Now I feel worse, which clearly wouldn’t help my studying routine for the upcoming exams.

I wonder when this will end.

Masochist. || Feb 1, 2014

I have a stupid thought.
But it might not be as pointless as it sounds.

What if….this whole time…I’ve loved being pathetic?

Yes. What if I liked the feeling? Of suffering, of being hopeless, of crying, of feeling like shit about myself? It might sound ironic, but then, I think it’ll be close if I’d say I’m an emotional masochist.

I know it’s weird, but I can’t think of any other reason why this is happening to me.

And the source… Dunno. Maybe it’s the anime I kept on watching back in high school, and my subconscious preference for looking at the side characters who usually get rejected by the protagonists? Add to that the awful experience I had with my first relationship?

I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. At 19 years old, I could definitely say I still don’t understand something I’m currenty feeling.

Syndicate greed.

So tomorrow, my mom and I will go to the plant where our LPGs are being refilled. My mom received news that the driver for our business was stealing from us by filling up false values for the receipts we issue/receive, and we’ve confirmed that he isactually part of a syndicate.

Now, the question my mom had in mind was how could our driver steal from us even with those false information, when the plant issues checks that my mom will encash? The answer: inside man. That’s when my mom realized that it’s actually a syndicate of more than two people. So when she tried to talk to the daughter of the plant’s owner, my mom found out that the plant itself has been trying to investigate a certain case in which a big amount has been missing from them from the reports being done.

I’m excitedly nervous for tomorrow. I wonder what happens. Geez, it’s surprising what people can do to earn money; in this case, illegally. Hope no one gets hurt though.

As always.

I don’t understand, really, why I’m an awfully unlucky guy when it comes to relationships.

And by relationships, I mean with any person.

I lost my best friends during college, when we promised that it’s actually the only thing we wouldn’t allow to happen.

I lost my then-girlfriend, after being compared hundreds of times to her ex, and for a lot of awfully ironic reasons I could have as a boyfriend who was “madly in love in his first relationship”.

And now, this. Her.

I mean, seriously, what am I even doing wrong? WHAT AM I DOING THAT’S NOT RIGHT?

I thought that after learning SO MUCH from my first relationship, after feeling so much pain from the shit I experienced, I’d be ready. I’d be perfect. I’d know everything I’d have to know to be better for my partner. For her to want me, to not be ashamed of me, to be better than her ex, to not be compared, to not be the fourth one after God, family, and studies, and to just be someone liked for who I am.

I’m losing hope that I’d have a chance for making things better for me. Really. Just everything I do backfires into something worse.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

afoolfordreams:

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

Emoshit but true lol

afoolfordreams:

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

Emoshit but true lol

(Source: the-mind-of-a-depressed-girl)

Fucked up realizations after my retreat.

Well, my retreat’s done with. And I’ve realized a lot. Sadly, almost all that I’ve realized were negative.

Like how alone I really am. See, doesn’t it sound pathetic, to begin with?

First of all, I tried to make peace with my ex. While it sounds like a cliche and stupid thing to do, I did it; for the sake of removing the thought that “I’m not okay with someone”. No, it wasn’t really a wise move, but I just tried, hoping that some maturity will kick in so we could at LEAST not be so negative about each other: it didn’t mean we had to be friends or something. So far, I’m guessing she didn’t take it that way though.

Second, was the realization that my high school friends are really gone. I’ve been trying to suck the idea up for quiet some time now, but it’s just during my retreat that a close friend of mine told me, “if they were really your friends, they would have made time for you at some point, so you wouldn’t feel like you were taken for granted. They didn’t, and maybe it’s about time you accepted the possibility that they’re not ‘real’ friends.”

Third, is the realization that I really don’t have much friends when I think about it. I’ve masked for so long that people know bits of my life, but not most of it, so they end up merely being strangers.

Lastly, is the fact that my thoughts are eating me into thinking that there are some things that will repeat, and I will not be able to control…like losing my friends.

I don’t know, really. I just feel really shitty. Don’t exactly know why.

Whoa. Kickback?

I honestly didn’t know about this before.

Or at least, I didn’t know young people had the guts to do it.

Maybe I just couldn’t believe they’d have THAT much guts to lie about their payments. Like those students who say their tuition fee’s more expensive that it actually is so they could get the excess.

I mean, really, you don’t feel guilty about stealing from your own parents? That looks awful, really. o_o

Spade, Financials, Growing Up.

I’m really getting obsessed with upgrading my car, from small accessories to saving up to big ones in the future. If this is a good or bad thing, I don’t know (as of now, at the least).

But if I do continue this, I know that I’d want my car to pay me back in some way. If it means joining car shows (yeah I’m that ambitious, nothing wrong with that :D), I will.

My personal financial management’s getting more complicated, but I like it. I’m learning from it by experience, which teaches me how to adjust and change styles of spending and saving. 

I can honestly feel the “adulthood” creeping in. I wonder how I’d learn how to budget my own money when I live independently in the future. Pretty overwhelming when I think about it.

Contradictions. || Adulthood.

Now that I’m 18, I’ve discovered one of the major reasons why parents and their children have arguments, specifically about money.

Simply put, it’s the interest in something. Well, let’s break it down to 2 things.

  1. Price - As we grow older, the things we want get more expensive. I really have no idea why this happens to us, but it just does. I, for one, started with toys, then had a thing for Magic Cards, then had a thing clothes, now I’m spending on customizing my car.
  2. Necessity - Sure, they get more expensive, but sometimes we don’t even have a reason as to why should our parents buy it for us. Saving up is one thing, but we all know there’s a limit to what we can save (or at least how long it’ll take before we save up to a certain amount), and sometimes, we really need “help” from them.

I’m pretty sure they’ll be more things to argue about, and it’s going to be the same for everyone. Different things, but all of them would probably have higher prices.

This is a part of adulthood that makes us, the “fresh” adults, want to have work and salary asap, I guess. Not for all, but for most.

Clingy friend.

I’m an awfully clingy friend and it’s pretty obvious.

I know I’ve blogged about this a couple of times, but I’d like to specifically think about how I look at my clingy-ness (wait does that word exist?).

Well, I do always try to get with people. When I notice that the people I care about are starting to distance themselves, I try to take action and reach out to them. I’m almost always the one to ask people if we could go out and catch up, and I end up hoping that they’d do the same.

It’s been my “measurement” of if-they-care-or-not-for-me-the-way-I-do-for-them. If they invite me back next time, guess that means we do show effort to have some time for each other.

It’s pretty cheesy and dramatic, really, but it does make sense for me. Only now that I’ve grown up and have matured even just a bit, I learned to do some adjustments and have changed for the better.